This week’s question:
There are so many great screenwriters and screenplays out there; so many ahead of me — so many amazing writers! It makes me wonder why I even try to write another word. Do you have any advice, DcH?
Brenda K. from an obscure city
Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. Let me say it again: Brenda, Brenda, Brenda. The aforementioned was delivered with a sigh and a shake of a head. To help you understand, dear lady, let me put it in screenplay terms.
INT. DCH’S OFFICE – EARLY MORNING
A dreary, rainy afternoon. DcH, wearing a bathrobe, carrying a cup of tea with a tea bag string trailing along, his eyes barely open, plops down at his desk, boots up his computer and reads an e-mail from Brenda K. He emits a deep sigh.
DCH
Brenda, Brenda, Brenda.
Doug rises, shuffles to a window. We see what he’s wearing on his feet: cushy slippers, one sporting the word, “Screen,” the other with the word, “Writer.” DcH contemplatively surveys a city that never sleeps (or wakes up, for that matter), takes a sip of tea. A forlorn and lost look crosses his weary visage.
DCH
Oh, Brenda. What can I say
to help you believe in yourself
as a writer and as a person?
He sighs again and is about to take another sip, when his bathrobe CHIRPS.
DcH reaches into a pocket a pulls out a canary, which he places on a shelf. He reaches back in his pocket and pulls out a still-chirping cell-phone. Canary yellow. He punches a button and draws it to his ear.
DCH
Hello.
MALE’S VOICE (V.O.)
We’ve got a green light on your script,
“Writers In Hell.” They went for our
quote. All you have to do is rewrite the
first two acts — they loved the
confrontation scene between the plagiarizing
hotel clerk and the drug addict flight
attendant — change the female protagonist
to a hermaphrodite, switch the location
from Texas in the summer to Minnesota in
the winter, and take out all references to
writers, snow, and anything that has
anything to do with little dogs.
DcH doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, expressionless.
DCH
Sounds good.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
They need you in their production
offices in Toronto yesterday.
DCH
I’m there. I’m leaving now.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
But what about the e-mail you
said you were going to write to
that depressed screenwriter —
Brenda, wasn’t it? — to help her
get through it?
DcH hesitates, a serious look taking over. He breaks into a toothy smile.
DCH
Brenda who?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
That’s the DcH I know and love!
DcH hangs up, tosses the cell-phone on a couch, flips opens the window, grabs the canary and tosses it outside, and hums an uplifting tune as he flips off his computer and strides out of the room.
And………. scene!
You see, Brenda, what I’m talking about? Everything changes when you get that call, that first six-figure check, that now-it’s-your-time-to-spit-in-everybody’s-eye moment all we screenwriters dream about. So keep on writing. And so what if there are millions of writers with more talent and who are ahead of you, who have the connections you need, taking up all those choice spots that you long for?! Just keep on writing. Stay positive. Because one day you may get that elusive call on your cell-phone.
And you’ll be on your way. To… Toronto.
And get yourself a canary.
DcH