Sample of Page-By-Page Script Notes For a
You have the beginnings of a very viable
your heroin become a sports reporter is a clever concept that
makes for a romantic “woman out of water” sports script,
a witty hybrid that creates a natural gender conflict, very
apropos for a romantic comedy.
The storyline needs more surprises and some of your
dialogue is too awkward and “sitcomish.”
Be careful about putting to much focus on the game
itself, being that the story does not revolve around the
final score such as in a typical sports film.
You need to connect Cece more with the
story. It needs
to be more of HER story.
The team’s victory needs to be connected to her life
more closely. Don’t
make her relationship with coach so simple.
It needs much more tension; you must get us to like
her and the coach so we can rejoice when they finally
get back together. Because it’s a romantic comedy, be aware that we already
know that the “boy and girl” will get together at the
up to you to make that inevitable happening interesting and
to hold back the final union until the very end in an
The following are suggestions that you
are free to use:
Open immediately at the gravesite (removing all
preceding scenes). This
adjustment provides a stronger opening, which omits any
telegraphing of how Cece is going to act at the grave.
Don’t have her kneel or fall down. Keep
her strong at the grave.
Overall, show Cece realistically fighting her
deep-seated emotions; avoid showing her as a weak, weepy
woman. Keep her
strong, but show her vulnerability with subtlety.
Take out her crude words.
the heroine, not a crude barfly.
Keep her from pitying herself.
Do not have her swear.
Cut out the melodramatic “Super Mom” talk.
Make it more realistic, subtle.
You don’t need her on the phone with Harley and then
have her in the next scene with Harley; redundancy kills
out for characters talking too much on-the-nose and
describing their feelings or intentions.
Ask yourself: “What is the point of each scene?” This will help you realize which scenes are not essential.
And with that touchstone in mind, it will help you
keep your scenes sparse, including only what informs the
story and characters. Be
careful about making minor characters be obvious members of
“Cece’s Fan Club.”
Be economical and thrifty with Cece’s tears.
We will not love or root for a blubbering female.
of Antoine telling Cece about the football job, maybe he
could tell her he has a job for her without revealing what it
is and then indicate it at the end of the scene, making us
wonder what it is (i.e., tosses her a football which she
catches, but doesn’t understand why he did; or he points up
to the sky and there is a blimp advertising the football
team, etc.) Instead
of Antoine telling her that the team is in trouble, the press
conference can reveal that, which would lengthen the press
conference scene, which is too short.
Have the coach speak in front of the press.
This is where you can reveal the trouble with the
team. Don’t have the coach apologize too soon; build more tension
between him and Cece.
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