Samples
of Development
Script Notes Page 1
One
section of specific suggestions to VP of Development for
a thriller:
Instead
of the extended focus on the growing of the ladies’ Internet
business (which, truthfully, we don’t care about it), a
compelling conflict (possibly some internal conflict between
the members of the group) needs to be established in the
first act, which will divert us from looking for the Shangri-la
setup to be shattered, which we now do; and, although the
first murder of a character we have met is quite powerful,
it could be even stronger if we don’t see it coming whatsoever.
The first act is far too shallow and comes across
like one of those bad, campy, sophomoric, lust-driven, teenager-targeted
movies where vacuous, young individuals start up some kind
of sex business. Dixie
and Kristyn’s business needs to be mounted much more quickly
and established in far fewer pages, thereby bringing in
the first conflict much earlier
This script would work much better if we could be led to like
(or even love) Dixie, the author not fashioning her with
such rough edges (and language).
What a switch it would then be when we realize that
this woman, who seemed to be idealistic, romantic, courageous
(not greedy or opportunistic), and for whom we pined when
we thought she had expired, is actually a charlatan. Talk
about a twist! And possibly eventually a very memorable one
in the cinematic archives (as in Wild Things, Jagged
Edge, and Witness for the Prosecution).
When the action moves to the farmhouse, much care must be taken
so that all activity can be explained according to the overall
con game revealed at the end.
It’s understood that Dixie and Kristyn would perform
for the benefit of those whom they are conning, but Dixie
seemingly keeps up the charade when she is alone,
(several times in the upstairs bedroom) when there is no
need for such a performance (except for our benefit -- which
is cheating the story). It’s a very intricate con within a con and
has to be choreographed perfectly in terms of what we are
shown in order for it to be thoroughly understood and accepted
without doubt in the end.
If the first act can grab out attention beyond the eye candy
and we can love Dixie and believe every action of hers equates
with the revealed con at the conclusion (and other altercations
formerly cited), the script would be a much, much stronger
one and could readily move into the “RECOMMEND” category.
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