Samples of Development Script Notes Page 1

One section of specific suggestions to VP of Development for a thriller:

Instead of the extended focus on the growing of the ladies’ Internet business (which, truthfully, we don’t care about it), a compelling conflict (possibly some internal conflict between the members of the group) needs to be established in the first act, which will divert us from looking for the Shangri-la setup to be shattered, which we now do; and, although the first murder of a character we have met is quite powerful, it could be even stronger if we don’t see it coming whatsoever.  The first act is far too shallow and comes across like one of those bad, campy, sophomoric, lust-driven, teenager-targeted movies where vacuous, young individuals start up some kind of sex business.  Dixie and Kristyn’s business needs to be mounted much more quickly and established in far fewer pages, thereby bringing in the first conflict much earlier

This script would work much better if we could be led to like (or even love) Dixie, the author not fashioning her with such rough edges (and language).  What a switch it would then be when we realize that this woman, who seemed to be idealistic, romantic, courageous (not greedy or opportunistic), and for whom we pined when we thought she had expired, is actually a charlatan. Talk about a twist!  And possibly eventually a very memorable one in the cinematic archives (as in Wild Things, Jagged Edge, and Witness for the Prosecution).

When the action moves to the farmhouse, much care must be taken so that all activity can be explained according to the overall con game revealed at the end.  It’s understood that Dixie and Kristyn would perform for the benefit of those whom they are conning, but Dixie seemingly keeps up the charade when she is alone, (several times in the upstairs bedroom) when there is no need for such a performance (except for our benefit -- which is cheating the story).  It’s a very intricate con within a con and has to be choreographed perfectly in terms of what we are shown in order for it to be thoroughly understood and accepted without doubt in the end.

If the first act can grab out attention beyond the eye candy and we can love Dixie and believe every action of hers equates with the revealed con at the conclusion (and other altercations formerly cited), the script would be a much, much stronger one and could readily move into the “RECOMMEND” category.

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