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This
week's answer:
Screenwriter
In The Hole!
Welcome
to the world of selling screenplays, Carson.
The first thing to know and remember, which will
keep your bills down for taking extended “vacations”
at your local rubber room hotel is that there is nothing
to get. There’s
nothing to try and understand except that there’s
nothing to understand.
I know that might sound too
NewAge-Zen-TheScecret-Geru-ish to you (it does to me),
but that’s the best way I can put it.
To try and figure out a producer and his or her
thought processes is like trying to figure out why Zeus
throws thunderbolts at us.
Or why my girlfriend likes to watch movies about
girlfriends who don’t want to be and then want to
again be girlfriends.
(Didn’t we get enough of that storyline with
Lucy and Ethel?) Or why Einstein was so positive that E equals MC Hammer.
It can’t be done. (And, in my girlfriend’s case, it shouldn’t be
done.)
I have found that every time – and I mean
“every” – you try to second-guess a producer,
expect a certain response, you’re catapulting yourself
into a surreal, insane, topsy-turvy place.
Think of it as falling down the rabbit hole.
And when you’re not a rabbit, or even Alice,
for that matter. No,
you’re a screenwriter falling down the rabbit hole.
And the world awaiting you is never what you
expect. That’s
the secret: Don’t expect anything.
and I do mean "anything."
Don’t expect a favorable response.
Don’t even expect a negative one.
In fact, never even expect any response at all.
Don’t expect.
Let anything that happens in regards to reactions
and responses to your screenplay be a complete and utter
surprise. Train
yourself to be awed by any response whatsoever.
Try to observe these responses or
“nonresponses” from a distance in your mind (not the
crazy part that wants to find out where the producer who
responded unfavorably or didn’t respond at all lives),
the serene part of your cranium that can not be phased
by a letter or e-mail that “sadly” informs you that
“they’ve decided to go another way” (hopefully
towards a cliff or pier, says that less than serene part
of your mind) or a phone call that informs you that
somebody wants to buy your script for half a million
dollars.
A
Half a Million Dollars!!
whoopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
Now
you must stay calm. Even
that kind of message can push you towards more expectancy,
which eventually can lead to another disappointment.
Yeah, but I’ll be RICH and
disappointed!
Yes,
but you must remain centered and not be fooled by the
illusion that money is going to make you happy.
Don’t get caught up in that high, which will only
lead to a comparable low.
Just stay with your art, have no expectations and
you—
Shut up. I’m rich. Who
needs your advice any longer.
I can buy you ten times over.
I think I will.
I think just to shut you up I’m going to make you
an offer you can’t refuse and buy Script Advisor.com!
Name your price, DCH!
I’m
sorry if I gave you the idea that I could be bought,
regardless of the amount of money you might offer me.
I’ve learned to not be swayed by exterior events
that shake my calm and--
A hundred thousand dollars.
I’ll
take it. Bye,
everybody. Happy
screenwriting. Oh,
Whimsical Font, I’m going to need that in cash.
I’ll write you a check.
I’ll
see you all next week.
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