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This week's Answer: "Boring"
Through Films
First off, Ned, since you
didn’t put quotation marks around King Kong, I must assume you saw
the actual creature, and, that being so, I’m surprised that you had
time to feel bored at all. I’m
surprised that you’re writing to me.
I’m surprised that you’re still around to be bored or
writing or anything else, for that matter.
But let’s assume that you simply made a punctuation error and
that you’re referring to the movie.
If that be the case, Ned, I’m not sure exactly what
caused your bout of tedium. And,
I must say, I feel for you. It’s
not easy being bored for over three hours at a film.
But you’re not the first who has suffered from THMBS (Three
Hour Movie Boredome Syndrome). This
dreaded disease isn’t just a recent one, but was first discovered
many, many years ago when Cleopatra was released (I dare anybody
to rent the DVD and stay in your chair for the entire time without
either falling asleep or out of your chair).
The insidious malignancy was found in other releases (there’s
a theory that it’s an actual virus that gets inside and festers in
large film canisters holding too much film).
Researchers for the cure of THMBS have discovered that the film
does not necessarily have to be three hours long and can be shorter in
duration (but, even in those cases, the name of the disease stays the
same because it feels like one has watched a film for three
hours or longer) Barry Lyndon, Ishtar and Waterworld,
have all been said to have fallen prey to THMBS.
Yes, and even 2001 (and especially the other similar
films that follow in numeral sequence) has been considered to cause
THMBS. (There have been instances of viewers becoming so numb
and out of touch that they’ve started to imitate Hal singing
“Daisy” while at the same time moving in slow motion to the back
of their TV’s, methodically opening up the back of them and pulling
out electrical parts.)
To avoid THMBS, when choosing a film, be especially suspect of films
that...
1. ...take
a long time panning terrains and holding on panoramic scenes so long
that you start to think that the film froze.
2. ...have
big, sweeping, melodramatic orchestral soundtracks that you’re far
too aware of, and far too early in the film (or the music is written
and conducted by John Williams).
3. ...have
too many unnecessary dancing sequences (especially if they are danced
by showgirls or actors or really shouldn't be dancing).
4. ...are
shot in New Zealand (it seems that at least one director from that
lovely area of the globe has a different concept of time and how much
we can take of it, staring at close-ups of sensitive characters
staring back at us or a little to the side and upwards at apparently
awesome spectacles).
5. ...star
and are produced and/or directed by pop musicians.
6. ...have
too many unnecessary singing sequences.
7. ...take
place in Roman, Egyptian, and/or Biblical times.
8. ...are
directed by “acclaimed” directors who have carte blanche with a
studio to make another “acclaimed” film.
9. ...have
too much of one type of substance as its environment (water or desert
or too much outer space, etc.)
10. ...have too much to do with heaven (or
gates).
Now, back to your specific question, Ned.
I think I can sum the answer up by paying homage to the end of
the last line of dialogue in the original and remake of King Kong (with
a slight alteration):
...
It was the script that killed the beast.
FADE OUT.
DcH
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