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Screenwriting Help E-Mail (Previous)

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This week's question: 

I haven't sold anything yet?  What should I do, DcH?


This week's Answer: 


Rita.  Rita.  (You're not by any chance employed in the profession of meter maid, are you?  Just checking.)  I do appreciate you contacting me with that perennial question, "I haven't sold anything.  What should I do?"  I'll do my best to assist you...

Have you tried Ebay?

Oh.  You mean "a script."  You haven't sold a script.  That's different.  Or is it?  Hey, come to think of it,  maybe we could sell our scripts on Ebay?  Think how easy that would be:  You write your script; decide how much you want to sell it for (maybe, oh, let's say... the starting bid would be something like... $200,000, give or take); post it: and let the bidding wars begin!  Sometimes I'm amazed by my own genius.  That's the way to go, I'm sure.  Cut out the middle man.  Or middle men.  Like producers, studios, agents, investors, distributors (they could be middle women, too).  Forget 'em.  Just sell your script on Ebay.  Maybe there could be a separate section of Ebay for script sales.  Let's call it "ScriptBay."

There are other ways to sell your script.  Let's take a look, shall we?

mOrE wAYs To Sell YouR ScRipT other than on Ebay

14.  Get an ice cream man's uniform and and ice cream cart or truck and drive around neighborhoods, pretending to sell ice cream, but when the little children approach you for treats, pull out your scripts and sell them to them for a few dollars or 50 cents and tell them to take them to their parents.  (N.B., It's best to choose neighborhoods where wealthy people in the movie business live.)

15.  Get a cemetery handyman's uniform and bring a shovel or rake or pick and hang around funerals in cemeteries and, when people are saying goodbye to their loved ones and tossing in roses or special, personal items into the grave, you pull out your script and toss it in.  Shocked people often are not thinking very clearly and will pay money when they normally wouldn't.  (N.B., It's best to choose cemeteries where wealthy people in the movies are laid to rest).

As you can see, there are many alternatives for selling your script and you don't have to take the usual route of finding an agent and convincing him or her to represent your script and then the agent has to convince a producer to buy your script, who has to convince a studio to buy your script, who has to convince a distributor to show the film of your script.  Come on.  That takes far too much time and convincing.  

The only one you have to convince is you.  That would be a great title for a book about screenwriting:  

The Only One You Have To Convince Is You

Or for some New Age, self-help, "let's all try to think more positive" tripe -- not that I don't love those kinds of books.  I think somebody should write a book entitled: 

Trying To Stay Positive and Organized When Your Place is Cluttered with Self-Help Books

I want to write more but I need to get on Ebay.



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