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This week's Answer:
How
to write a good bad script
Well, obviously that's your problem, Jake. You haven't been submitting
bad enough scripts. You're
going to need to stop pointing yourself towards excellence in
screenwriting and come up with something that is far from that.
Luckily, I can help you with that. First, you're going to need a
derivative logline that's been covered a hundred or more times before,
one that is very recognizable and allows for little imagination.
Then you're going to need some one dimensional characters that also
offer nothing original. And don't forget a bland love
interest. That's very important. Whenever you don't know
what to do next with your story, throw in a bunch of flashbacks.
And of course, at least one chase that goes too long and should most
likely show some cars going after one another and one ends up hitting
a gasoline tank and explodes. Speaking of which, you definitely
want to include fire and something burning down. Smoke is good
too. And rain and thunder is good too when things get dull and
you have to make your story look more exciting even though it's
not. Be sure to pit your hero against impossible odds that
really would be impossible in real life except for some coincidental
occurrence that saves the day in the nick of time. Oh,
back to the love interest. Have the hero and her fall in love
immediately even though they really haven't had time to even get to
know one another and have remarkable sex the very first time after
they kiss just once. And make sure your villain is really mean
and hates the hero even though it's never quite clear why either of
those facts are true. And you're going to want your hero to have
a sidekick who will surprisingly be killed even though it won't
surprise anybody, so we can mourn for him even though we really didn't
get a chance to get to know him. And, of course, you'll need a
mentor who seems to pop out of nowhere and has the information and
possibly training that your hero happens to need right then to
overcome the villain. And don't forget to include a shock of
having somebody who we trusted reveal themselves to actually be evil,
which we will see coming a mile away. And of course, there's the
proverbial twist that is supposed to be the biggest surprise of all,
the biggest change-up in the story that will really throw us for a
loop, having never seen that coming. But
we did. Or... you could just keep writing good scripts and see
if any of them get produced. Now,
that would be a good twist.
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